Telecommm. For those of us inside it's hallowed walls, it's either excruciatingly painful or blindingly funny. I tend towards the latter, primarily to keep me from swallowing large quantities of pain killers. (You may want to start reading at the bottom.)

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Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Top Inventions that Have Not Yet Been Invented

Due to the overwhelming response to the previous post, we here at Telecommedy would like to take a moment to present a few inventions that have not yet been invented but really, really should be. We think that each and every one is a viable product that would change the world as we know it for the better. (How it affects the way that everyone else knows the world is really not up to us and, frankly, only rarely concerns us at all.)

So, with no further ado (and no previous ado either), we present the top 10 or so inventions that have not yet been invented.

1. Resonant Frequency Exposives Detonator

OK, this one really isn't that humorous, and it's not really a telecom product, but it's a great product waiting to be invented. The idea is to invent a resonator that works at the resonant frequency of most known explosives. Turning on the resonator would cause any explosives in the area to detonate automatically. Think of all of the uses for such a powerful product. We'll call it the FRED, because that's easier to pronounce than RFED and sounds less like something that your dog did on the floor after eating a spider.

First, we'd set up a FRED about 1 mile outside of every airport in the world. No more getting bombs, guns, or those apparently super-hazardous Bic lighters near a plane again. Of course, there's the little matter of making sure that it doesn't affect jet fuel, and we probably need to come up with a way to let security guards keep their weaponry, but I'm sure those little minor details can be worked out.

Second, we'd set up a helicopter with a FRED device and fly it over, say, Fallujah or the wilds of Afganistan. Depends on your political bent, I suppose. Some would want to fly it over New York, probably, and some would want it constantly flying over any territory within driving distance of an NRA convention. Can you imagine what would it would look like if one of these devices were flown over a Hamas suicide-bomber recruiting station? Something like popcorn, I suppose, although a bit more violent and much more satisfying in the long run.

Finally, we'd set up FRED devices on border crossings. Trying to bring explosives into the US via Canada? Think again, little popcorn kernel. Trying to sneak terrorist weaponry into Israel or Iraq? Pop goes the weasel. Plus, no more need for a complex and costly missile defense system. Just aim a few FREDs at the sky and watch for the fireworks.

We think it's a great idea, and we'd appreciate it if whomever eventually invents it would send us a small percentage of their resulting fortune.

2. Noise-seeking missiles

Think small, strategic missiles about the size of a pencil (a pencil is something people used to use to write with before computers and Bic pens). Not big missiles that create large craters. And they wouldn't have to explode even. They'd just have to be able to damage stereo speakers. Something like a Taser should work, I would think.

How many times has your reverie been disturbed by an annoyingly loud stereo system blasting music that is not to your personal taste? And, as we all know well, disturbed reveries have led to ear cancer in laboratory rats, so this is not some idle speculation. Time to bring out the noise-seeking missile (NoiSeM).

When you're stuck in traffic, and someone behind you has that extra-loud Barry Manilow music thumping so loud that your heart starts beating in rhythm with the Copa (Copa Cabana - the hottest spot north of Havana), you could legally launch a NoiSeM and gleefully watch as their speakers crumble into dust.

When you are resting on the beach and some teenager with a perfect little body as yet unravaged by years of sitting in front of a computer terminal turns on their extra-loud Gilbert and Sullivan tape, and the irony of pirates singing "No sound at all ... a fly's footfall could be distinctly heard!" is no longer mildly amusing, pull out your pocket-launched NoiSeM and watch them tear up as their boom box goes boom one last time.

Personally, I'd use one every time the guy in the cubicle next door listens to voice mail on the speaker phone, but that's just me.

3. The Fiber Mole

As this "publication" is nominally about the Telecomm industry, we thought we should throw in at least one Telecomm-related invention that hasn't been invented yet. The winner, by far, is the Fiber Mole.

The Fiber Mole is a handy little critter than can intelligently bury fiber cable with little or no intervention from large, well-paid, union-membership-sporting, business-case-killing human beings. The fiber mole is slightly larger than your average fiber cable or flexible ductwork. It can be put into the ground at the entrance to a subdivision and left alone overnight. In the morning, the aforementioned human beings can return to find that the entire subdivision has been successfully wired with fiber to every home or other designate location.

Fiber to the Home is a big topic in Telecomm these days. Just look at some of the other, lesser, Telecomm sites and view all of the postings by their, lesser, trained monkeys. Fiber to the Home offers the promise of crstal-clear 100+ television channels, internet access up to 100 times faster than your current cable modem/DSL/carrier pigeon service, and telephones that are ... well, just like they are now. The biggest barrier to Fiber to the Home is the cost of putting the fiber in the ground. Hence, the Fiber Mole.

The world is primed and ready for the invention of the Fiber Mole. And, no, just superglueing a camera to the back of an organic mole is not acceptable.

5. The Sleep Battery

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to sleep when you have the time and stay wide awake when you don't? For example, your friends invite you out for a night on the town (OK, if you're reading this, that may be a stretch, but work with me here). It would be nice to stay wide awake the entire evening and make up for sleep later when you're doing something less important - sitting in class, attending a meeting, monitoring the nuclear reactor, etc.

Enter the Sleep Battery. It attaches to your brain and stores up sleep so that you can stay awake when you want to and sleep when nothing good is on TV. Turn it to "Charge" mode and sleep away a whole day before the weekend! You won't miss an exciting moment at that Star Trek convention, even during the wild, post-midnight Klingon bash.

Even better, the Sleep Battery would ensure that you are your best when being creative; allowing you to, for example, come up with more than five top inventions that have not yet been invented.


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