Helpful Hint for Telecomm Applicants

We all try to be nice to the many, many applicants for jobs that we receive, don't we? At least we here at Telecommedy Central try After all, we ourselves have been involuntarily unemployed on occasion. However, telecomm businesses are so lean and mean right now, that we don't have time to bring in someone with the wrong skills and hope that they can morph into the person that will save our bacon.

We used to be able to do that, but those days are gone for the foreseeable future. Now, we look for the perfect person for the job. So, we try to let people down easily if they don't match and explain why.

The correct response if you get this type of email from an employer is to say "Thanks", perhaps put in a little plug for future reference and maybe - just maybe - correct any wrong impressions if there were any.

The correct response does not include the following phrase, received in an email response today:

I don't know who was hired for the position discussed above, I just know however, it was not someone as good as I am.

That not only insults our new hire, but our capabilities as a hiring authority as well. The odds of this applicant getting an interview just dropped off of the charts, regardless of future opportunity.

If you haven't realized it yet, it's time to come to grips with the fact that the employers now hold all of the cards. And we're understaffed, underfunded, and underpaid. We make some evaluations based on personality, as arbitrary as that may seem, and making us uneasy or angry will not help in your aspirations.

So, good luck in your job search. Spend time making the resume simple (not overwhelming) and relevant to the position, and re-read your email from the employer's perspective before spouting off.

Intermission: Public Service Announcement

Jim Baller, defender of the rights of innocent municipal broadband deployments everywhere, has sent out a request for help in finding examples of success stories. We at Telecommedy would hate to take sides, as we have limited resources to hire an attorney in case one of the larger proto-monopolies notices us grazing at their heels. However, it's a noble cause, and we have no problem forwarding along the request.

Over the last decade, I have seen or heard of dozens of cases in which public communications initiatives have had a significant impact on a community's economic development, educational and occupational opportunity, environmental protection, security, and quality of life. I have also heard of many cases in which the lack of advanced communications infrastructure resulted in the loss of opportunities to attract new businesses or to prevent the loss of existing ones.

Now, with your help, I would like to create a compendium of as many of these examples as possible, in as much detail as possible. We will use the compendium, and make it available to you, to help educate federal, state and local legislators and officials, businesses, institutions, the financial community, the media, and the public about the relationship between public broadband initiatives and the well-being of our localities and our country. Also, a rigorous scientific study of this relationship is currently underway, and I hope that the compendium will assist the researchers in targeting specific communities for further in-depth analysis.

Let me give you some examples of the kinds of information that I am hoping to obtain, but please feel free to provide any other information that you believe should be included in the compendium. Please do not assume that you need not respond because I am already familiar with your information, or that someone else will provide it. Also, even if you have already provided the information to someone else, please respond to this request as well. A good record can -- and should -- be played more than once. Let's not leave anything to chance.

-- If you know of a public communications project that played an important role in enabling a community to attract new businesses or retain and expand existing ones, please furnish as much information as you can, including the identity, size and character of community involved (rural, urban, etc.); the nature and scope of the project; the number and identity of the business(es) in question; the number of jobs created, retained or lost; the average pay of these jobs; your estimate of the value of these jobs to the community in terms of increased tax revenues, enhanced property values, increased spending in the local economy, and anything else that you can quantify or estimate (please explain your methodology). Be sure to include your contact information and that of other knowledgeable individuals. In particular, please ask the businesses involved to contribute to your responses. (Doris Kelley, special thanks for all the work that you have done in this area, but this does not take you off the hook to provide more!)

-- Please furnish specific and detailed examples of how the lack of advanced communications infrastructure hampered communities in attracting new businesses or resulted in the loss existing ones. Name names and give numbers. (Paul Kalv, let's be sure to include Danville's experience with AOL). If a community turned a significant potential loss around by taking matters into its own hands (e.g., Scottsburg and Auburn, Indiana), that makes a particularly good story.

--Please provide examples of how public communications systems have enabled local businesses to operate in new ways or made them more productive or profitable. In particular, include examples of local firms that are now reach beyond the local economy to do business statewide, nationally or internationally?

--If you are aware of a public communications system providing telecom, cable or broadband services, please compare the incumbent's rates, quality of service, number of channels, etc., before and after the public system went on stream. Compare the incumbent's current rates, quality of service, number of channels, etc., with what it is doing in nearby communities in which it does not face such head-to-head competition. If you know or can estimate the aggregate number of subscribers served by the incumbent and public providers, you can estimate the annual benefits to the community. For example, suppose that an incumbent was charging $40/month for cable service to 1000 subscribers before the public system went into business. Suppose further that the public system took 25% of the market by charging $30/month, and the incumbent responded by dropping its own rates to $30/month. Now, all 1000 subscribers pay $30/month for service for which they would have paid $40/month if the public system had not entered the market. In this example, the community will save $120,000 a year (1000 subscriber x $10/month x 12 months). That's $120,000 that will circulate several times in the local economy, rather than leave for Philadelphia or New York of Omaha, increasing local spending, revenues, jobs, etc.!

--If you are aware of noteworthy community programs that public communications systems made possible of contributed to, please send the the information along. Please be sure to include stories about programs that may give young people reasons to stay in the community, that enhance the quality of life for the elderly and disabled persons, and that narrow the "Digital Divide" for persons in rural areas, persons of low income, Native Americans, and new Americans.

--If you are aware of specific incidents that merit attention, please include them. For example, Steve Johnson of the Washington Public Utility District Association recently told a group of us about how a public fiber system in Washington State enabled doctors to perform an emergency rescue operation via telemedicine.

Obviously, I could give many more examples, but I know that you understand what I'm seeking and how high the stakes are for all of us who believe deeply in municipal broadband. Please e-mail your information to both Casey Lide and me by the end of February. Thanks very much.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming, already in progress.

Telecomm Detritus

The most satisfying part of travelling for any trade show attendee is coming home and sifting through the piles of free giveaways accumulated on the trip. From suit pockets, carry-on bags, and overstuffed luggage compartments come a variety of items that no one would ever actually purchase, but which inexplicably gain value when given away at no cost. These items rarely last very long, as they are quickly broken by over-zealous offspring or surreptitiously discarded by clutter-overloaded spouses (spice?).

We, however, have an inner packrat (albeit without the unattractive overbite) and an outer office or two piled high with the detritus of trade shows past. Searching through the voluminous archives of free giveaways here at Telecommedy Central can be a cathartic and occasionally maudlin experience. We're always running across a relic from some bygone company of the Telecomm boom, now remembered only for the free T-shirt or battery-powered tchotchke.

(Click on the photos for a larger, but otherwise no better, photograph.)

First, the pens

The cheapest of all giveaways, the last resort of the small company that blew their budget on that fancy two-level booth with professional representatives, and the only remaining freebee to survive the bust, the mighty pen is the cockroach of the trade show tchotchke.

The elusive Optical Networks pen, before they changed their name to ONI, made gobs of cash for their founders and certain Williams Network employees, got purchased by Ciena, and faded into obscurity.

The pen's pretty cheap and rather unimpressive. It must have been given out before the windfall allowed them to upgrade to much fancier writing implements.

Callipso. They were all over the press, touting their data solutions for revolutionizing buisiness throughout the world. The gods became angry at them for misspelling the name of their favorite island music. Chapter 11, followed by dismemberment and a ritual burning.

The pen still works, and the snazzy clip is fun to fiddle with during long meetings.



Then the yo-yos

Small toys that can be used to pass the interminable hours on one's feet in a trade show booth are always appreciated. Small bouncy balls are particularly nice. At one trade show, we started a game after hours trying to loft bouncy balls into the Lucent "coffee stain" on a nearly banner (final score Good Guys: 20, Bad Guys: 15, Banner: somewhat less presentable). Although we have quite a few bouncy balls in our collection, none of them are from companies that have disappeared yet (give them time).

The second choice for time-passing amusement is the yo-yo. It takes slightly more skill, rolls away into the neighboring booths less often, and usually breaks within a few hours of being brought home to the offspring. So, the fact that not one but two remain in our collection is worthy of a hearty backslapping (followed by a hearty application of Ben Gay to the awkwardly strained muscles).

Nortel-Bay. Anyone remember Bay anymore?

Nortel bought Bay, an innocent little switch vendor with big aspirations, back in the heyday of telecomm. It was touted as a merger, and the combined company went by the name Nortel-Bay. For about six months. Then the Canadian power structure pulled the old switcheroo and Bay was dropped faster than Priscilla Presley's latest husband (Nicholas Cage?! Michael Jackson?! Even the impersonators are offended.)

This yo-yo is real wood and actually works quite well. It has provided many hours of entertainment and several broken vases of varying color and quality.

Virata made DSL chipsets before DSL chipsets were cool (they aren't anymore, it was a short honeymoon). They made them so well that Globespan bought them and they decided to share names as GlobespanVirata (see Nortel-Bay above) - a truly unwieldy name that, fortunately, was discarded when the whole mess was purchased by Conexant.

This yo-yo is battery powered and lights up when you yo it. Or at least it used to at one point. now it just sits around and leaks vaguely nauseating battery fluid.

T-Shirts: The holy grail

Nothing excites the trade show attendee more than the free t-shirt giveaway. Attendees will map out intricate agendas to ensure that they can maximuze their t-shirt return. Rumors of high quality t-shirts are passed in hushed tones to trusted allies. Presentations of no discernable value to one's business are endured in the hopes of securing a particularly unique t-shirt. At the height of the boom, industrious trade show attendees could clothe themselves for an entire year just in free t-shirts.

Of course, few considered the downside of the t-shirt giveaway. Many fancy three-color silkscreens ended up being primarily displayed over the sweaty and copious abdomens of overweight and unattractive telecomm minions mowing their lawns in the height of summer. Or even less attractive as a marketing goal - many homeless folks in Atlanta (home of Supercomm just after since the Civil War) ended up sporting attractive telecomm-related t-shirts donated by telecomm spouses fed up with the overwhelming proliferation of geekwear.

However, the t-shirt still reigns as the holy grail of trade show freebees. Although their appearance has somewhat slacked off in recent years, the intrepid tradeshow attendee can still score a slightly small, garishly colored, hastily made t-shirt or two and effectively avoid spending money on clothing for just a bit longer. We personally have not paid money for a t-shirt since 1987 (the final Journey tour of any real vaule).

The Netspeed T-shirt - not only dated in that Netspeed was swallowed by the Borg many years ago, but also in its quaint idea that ADSL is the way of the future. We're way past that now - the popular acronym now is ADSL 2. Sometimes with an extra "+" thrown in to show that it's even better.

Still, any t-shirt that can stand up to use for nearly 6 years is worthy of mention. Plus, it has the added benefit of prominent use of acronyms, making the wearer appear to be telecomm savvy to the non-telecomm crowd.


This t-shirt from Triton is especially interesting in that it does not appear to be a telecomm-related t-shirt at first glance. Most casual observers assume that it is a golf-related t-shirt - due primarily to the prominent placement of a golfer on the back. This confusion is helpful when dealing with the common, non-telecomm folk as it makes them more at ease. Golf is something that most people understand, even if some of them believe it to be an environmentally dangerous pastime of the bourgeoisie.

Triton made some sort of chip for telecomm. We're not exactly sure. According to our stock research "since August 20, 2001, the Company's activities have been limited primarily to selling remaining assets; paying creditors; terminating any remaining commercial agreements, relationships and outstanding obligations; continuing to honor certain obligations to customers; and conserving cash". And that doesn't sound like much of a business plan for success.

Unique and unusual

These are the items that were different from the crowd and, on occasion, actually useful beyond the trade show pavillion. We must admire those who strive to stand out from the pack of key rings, pens, and bouncy balls to provide the lowly trade show attendee with something that they can give away to obscure relatives as Christmas gifts.

A tiny, battery-powered microphone from Kestrel Solutions. Perfect for recording rude noises and playing them back at inopportune times, these were quite popular when handed out somewhere around 1999. Also truly unique, as we have never seen this giveaway repeated. Which is odd considering the blinding success of Kestrel.

Kestrel Solutions raised over 300 million dollars in financing and supposedly raffled off a Porsche to their employees before filing for bankruptcy and disappearing into Silicon Valley purgatory. We didn't get a car, but the microphone is nice, although the batteries died a few years ago and we haven't bothered to attempt to figure out how to replace them.

A tiny screwdriver from Cascade. Cascade became Ascend became Lucent. Most telecomm startups are now required to have a former Cascade executive on the board, so you still see the name around a lot. This screwdriver is from their "Education Services", which we imagine is something like a Siberian "education facility".

We use the screwdriver to open the battery compartment on our childrens' toys. Although probably not its original intent, this giveaway is breaking with tradition by proving useful long beyond the tradeshow.

Newbridge. Leader of the world in frame relay. Purchased then unceremoniously squashed by Nortel.

This is a notepad cube announcing some product or other. The interesting part is the Leonardo DaVinci drawings on the sides of cube. If we remember correctly, there was an associated trade show skit involving Leonardo and some scantily-clad Mona Lisa look-alikes. But that may have just been a dream. A beautiful, beautiful dream.

This notepad cube is deployed next to our phone, ready to be used for jotting down important messages. The large number of remaining pages should give some indication of our popularity among phone-call-generating colleagues.

AFC gave away these little tins of cheap mints. The cutesy name (acromynts) was echoed inside by the acronyms on each mint. The mints are all gone from our tin (we use it now to store shiny objects that we have found on the street), but we seem to recall that the acronyms included FTTP, DSL, PON, WWJD, and others.

Although initially appalling in flavor and texture, the mints became addictive as the trade show wore on. Soon, an underground black market in mints arose, with rival gangs claiming turf between discinct sets of aisles. Skirmishes broke out, nasty emails were sent to unsuspecting Blackberries, and the authorities eventually had to be called in to restore order. An object lesson for anyone to consider before bringing edible giveaways to a trade show.

AFC, of course, had the temerity to actually win a huge contract from Verizon and was punished by being bought by Tellabs. Let that be a lesson to startups everywhere to be careful what you wish for.

In honor of the unknown startup

In recognition of all of the other nameless, faceless startups, we present this true collectors' item from Supercomm 2000. That year, a group of startup companies with small tradeshow budgets banded together to put on a show that could compete with the likes of Nortel (Blues Brothers performance), Fujitsu (Ray Charles performance), and Lucent (dancing bears). They alled themselves the "Upstarts" and hired diminutive commedian Martin Short for a shindig complete with free drinks.

Hiring a performer who speaks and expects people to listen rather than a performer who plays loud music and expects people to move around is not a brilliant idea for a trade show. This is an audience full of people who talk for a living - and their customers, with whom they wish to talk. They don't shut up long enough to listen to themselves, much less listen to a Canadian SNL alumnus. It didn't go well for the "Upstarts". Mr. Short ended his act early and left the stage in disgust. The success of the entire debacle should be judged by the fact that nearly 5 years later, we still have a ticket for a free, unconsumed drink.

I'm sure that there is an object lesson, and maybe even a moral, in there somewhere. Something about poor decision making by startups during the boom. However, we are not the moralizing type and don't wish to offend anyone who may end up hiring us in the future. So, let's just say that it was a one-time event that will be compensated for in our future decision making.

What's that on your shelf?

Rather than prattle on and on until you, our poor reader(s), are tired, disgusted, and woefully behind on your homework, we'll stop here and make a request. Do you have an addition for our museum of lost opportunities? If so, send it along. If we can figure out this photo-posting thing, we may even post it. Or maybe not - it really depends on whether or not we like the way you spell your name.

How to Treat Your Network Providers (A Guide for Vendors)

Due to the overwhelming response of our last publication (How to Treat Your Vendors), we here at Telecommedy are proud to present a follow-up from the other side of the equation. You, Mr. Vendor, have obligations to your Network Provider as well. And we're not just talking free golf and lunches here, we're talking the basics. The kinds of things that should be obvious, but increasingly are not - at least based on the complaints that we hear from our Network Provider colleagues. So, sit back in your overstuffed chair, pull up a nice chianti, and browse through our helpfully provided and somewhat random set of rules.

Rule #1: Don't Overwhelm

This is the first rule, because it is the most often broken rule. Don't show up at a meeting with more than two of you for every one of them. In fact, a one-to-one ratio is usually too high. Seriously consider how much value every person that you're bringing will add to the discussion. Do you really need the sales director, sales VP, and SVP of marketing and sales to all show up at the same meeting?

One Network Provider contact of ours has come up with a creative way of dealing with a certain rather large vendor that is well known in the industry for bringing crowds to every meeting. For every meeting with this particular vendor, they book the smallest conference room in the building - the one with about 5 chairs - and they invite three of their colleagues. If the vendor shows up with a crowd, most of them are forced to stand outside of the room and peek in through the door. One meeting where a VP of anything is forced to stand outside and make small talk with the administrative assistant for an hour, and you can guarantee that VP won't attend the next meeting.

Less is more. Especially if Les knows all that there is to know about your product.

Rule #2: Use your executives wisely

Meetings with vendors, except in rare cases, are not photo ops. They are business meetings that take time away from your customers' busy schedules. Don't just bring an executive to set up some future relationship unless that executive can answer questions on the spot. Save your executives for the meetings that matter - signing the contract, meeting with the Network Provider executive of the same level, fixing some major screwup perpetrated by lower level executives - things like that. Remember, if your executive screws up even inadvertently in front of a customer, there is no one higher up for the Network Provider to appeal to. No one to call the Network Provider with word that the lower level malcreant has been chastised and assigned to a Siberian mining camp. If an executive screws up, the Network Provider will likely see that as an indictment of the entire company, so use them sparingly.

Also, if you show up with an executive, the Network Provider might just expect that executive to make real decisions. If the CTO or VP of Engineering can't answer a technical question or give a solid schedule when asked, the entire company loses credibility. Think about that before putting your executive in front of the Network Provider.

In the most heinous example that we have been party to, a vendor showed up with a cast of thousands, including the head of development and the head of manufacturing as well as the head of US operations. The Network Provider countered with the C-something-O and a couple of really smart SVP types. The Network Provider had been having trouble with the vendor's widgets not doing what they were supposed to - something about losing customer data on occasion and without warning, a problem that customers typically do not put up with for very long until they switch to another Network Provider. The C-something-O asked for a cause of the problem and a date for a fix. The vendor cabal was unable to answer anything more than "We'll look into it." The C-something-O asked again, several times, with increasing volume. The answer never changed. The meeting ended with the C-something-O telling his lieutenants to pull all of the vendor's equipment from the network and look for an alternative, then storming out of the room never to re-enter. Meetings between lions and Christians in accient Rome ended better.

Rule #3: Don't lie

Why, oh why do we have to state this. OK, they expect you to embellish a bit - maybe shave something off of the release date or pick the most optimal numbers. But the closer you get to the truth, the better the feedback from your Network Provider.

In one case that we were involved in, development on the widget that the vendor was proposing was scheduled to be discontinued in favor of a new, improved widget with shinier bells and sharper whistles. The official announcement was scheduled for the week after a meeting with a mammoth Network Provider, responsible for nearly all of the vendor's widget sales. At the meeting, the VP in charge decided not to inform the Network Provider about the change. One week later, the Network Provider called the VP, his SVP, and the CEO of the vendor company with a series of escalatingly profane missives expressing his opinion of the now public widget modification plan. The relationship never truly recovered, and those widgets are no longer deployed by the Network Provider.

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth shall set you free. Or something like that. We read it in a fortune cookie and have forgotten the details.

Rule #4: Be flexible

So you're only on slide 2 and they're already asking about slide 25. Go with the flow. If you can push off the questions until later, do it. If the Network Provider inisists, answer the question. Do not be a slave to the Power Point slide.

Perhaps the person asking the question has to leave early or had one too many coffees this morning before the meeting. Or maybe he's just a jerk who has to be the smartest geek in the room. It doesn't matter. Being able to roll with the punches impresses the Network Providers and makes for a much better outcome in the end.

Rule #5: Learn the phrase "I don't know"

It brings a tear to our collective eye to think of the Vendor-Network Provider relationships that we have personally seen destroyed by failure to comply with this simple rule. If you don't know the answer, don't make something up. Say you don't know and move on. If you lose credibility in one area, you lose it in every area. So the Network Provider wants to know how much your widgets weigh when wet? If you don't know, say so. Don't worry about being seen as an idiot - most Network Provider types like to be smarter than their vendors occasionally. It strokes their egos and - even better - sets you up to come back to another meeting and present the results of your investigation. Win-win all around.

Of course, don't take this one too far. If you don't know anything at all about the product you're presenting, you will indeed look like an idiot and that follow-up meeting may get scheduled for sometime between winter in hell and the next time the Atlanta Braves win the World Series (hint: never).

Rule #6: Be concise, but thorough

Practice your presentation before the meeting. Is it taking just a bit too long? Shave it off now, before you get in front of your Network Provider. Spending ten minutes on your company background when talking to an operations gnome who couldn't care less and just wants to know if you'll solve his deployment problem? Not a recommended strategy, as gnomes get bored easily and develop long-term grudges.

I know it's your baby and you love talking about it, but leave something for the next meeting or for the detailed discussions that come at contract negotiations. A happy gnome is more likely to lead you to his pot of gold. Or something like that - whatever gnomes hide in their gnome holes.

Rule #7: Be consistent

One Network Provider representative that meets tens of new vendors every year is known to keep a separate notebook for each vendor. That way, during a meeting he can point out specific discrepancies from previous statements made by the vendor. It makes for an uncomfortable meeting. So try to be consistent.

Check what you said last time. Compare it to reality. If something has changed - and it usually has - point that out up front. Don't let the Network Provider discover it and bring it to your attention. That's a sure way to get smacked, publicly and soundly.

In the most amusing case that we have been involved with, a startup company visited a friendly Network Provider early in the concept stage and presented their plan for a $25 widget (most widets cost nearly $100, as I'm sure you are aware). Two years later, when the widgets were finally ready for production, the cost of the widget had proven to be a bit higher - on the order of $75 each. Still not a bad cost savings, but the Network Provider pulled out a copy of the original presentation and demanded an explanation of the discrepancy. The real reason was that the original presentation had been built from calculations off of the back of a cocktail napkin. I don't believe that was the excuse given, however. Instead, something was mumbled on the lines of additional features and rising cost of widget components or some such. Very uncomfortable and quite amusing for those not directly involved.

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

Seven simple rules to developing a happy and healthy relationship with your Network Provider. Truly, they will appreciate the effort that you put forth in complying to these requests.

And the occasional complimentary bottle of wine and golf outing won't hurt, either.

Intermission: Cell Phones, Radio, and Theatre. Two of the three are telecomm, right?

We pause from our regularly scheduled program to bring you this interesting and somewhat telecomm-related announcement.

While listening to the radio yesterday, we were mildly entertained by this segment on NPR's All Things Considered about cell phones in the theatre.

While we at Telecommedy encourage cell phone use (as well as normal phone use, long distance use, internet porn use, or anything else that keeps us in the business), we can understand the need to occasionally be out of touch with the outside world (kids, parents, spouses, boy/girlfriends, co-workers, or all of the above). We can also understand and have experienced the annoying spectable of a ringing cell phone with a volume level set to "seismic shock" going off during the climactic scene where the chainsaw maniac hiding in the retirement home is about to pounce on the nubile young heroine.

While the radio program had a few good examples of creative announcements that would encourage theatergoers to turn off their cell phones, our creative juices got flowing and (after using a mop to clean up a bit), we developed the following announcements in the same vein. Enjoy, plagiarize, or ignore - it's our free gift to you, our loyal reader(s).

Announcement #1

Announcer: [enters stage left] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the East Bandera Public Theatre and Cattle Works. Before the show starts, I would like to make a few announcements. First, ...

[loud cell phone ringing interrupts announcer]

Theatregoer: [speaking in stage whisper into cell phone] Hey. [pause] No, I'm at the theatre, I can't talk. [pause] Nah, I'll probably leave at intermission or something.

Announcer: Excuse me sir. Is that your cell phone?

Theatregoer: Why yes. It is.

[Announcer pull gun from pocket and shoots theatregoer, who collapses. Stagehands enter and remove theatregoer.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please turn off your cell phones and pagers now. Thank you.

[Announcer exits]

Announcement #2

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, before the show begins tonight, we'd like to you all to participate in an exciting contest where you could win a valuable prize. First, I'd like you all to get out your cell phones and pagers. [pause] Everyone have theirs out now? Come on - it only works if everyone participates. [pause] OK, got them out? Good. Now, would you please hold up your cell phones and pagers as high as you can - high enough for us to see them from the stage. [pause] Great. That's perfect.

[Bright flash of light from the area of the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, we now have you on film, and we know what seat you are sitting in. If a cell phone or pager goes off during this evening's performance, we will have no choice but to match the picture to a name and hunt you down. [pause for nervous laughter] So, while you have them out already, please turn off all cell phones and pagers. Thank you.

And now, on with the show

There are more to be written, but the telecomm business beckons and we have miles to write before we sleep or otherwise entertain ourselves horizontally (lying on a couch watching Spongebob, shame on your dirty mind). So until next time, keep those letters and emails coming.

How to Treat your Vendors (A Guide for Network Providers)

First of all, welcome back in 2005. All of us in telecomm hope that you spent your holidays calling relatives (long distance), emailing lots of photos, and generally using up a lot of bandwidth. We appreciate it very much. You've allowed us to remain employed for a few more months, and for that we are eternally grateful - or at least a few more months grateful. And now, on to this month's much-anticipated topic ....

Vendors are People ... Usually

Every network provider has to put up with the necessary (and occasionally entertaining) scourge of vendor meetings. Vendors want to talk to you all of the time about nearly any topic and won't stop calling until you give them something - anything - to report as progress to their upper management. But it is important to remember that vendors are people too. Slightly more neurotic and desperate people with limited conversational capabilities in many cases, but still people.

Therefore, for anyone new to the business or anyone who just doesn't have a clue, this handy guide is provided to help you treat your vendors with the dignity that they deserve. Or at least to avoid making them angry enough to put hidden programs into your equipment that diverts your holiday bonus to the "close relative of a Nigerian general in charge of oil revenues under the last dictator." After all, vendors have the same goal as you - to make money by providing the best possible service to your end customers. Really. Stop laughing. There's milk coming out of your nose, now stop it.

The following rules are in no particular order, unless you consider the random order that thoughts enter the brain to be a "particular" order.

Rule 1: Show some respect

The vendor that you are meeting with is typically a hard-working telecomm geek similar in genetic makeup to you, and is truly interested in showing off his latest gizmo and hearing your opinion about it. Don't treat him like an errand-boy, caterer, concierge, or circus freak. Behavior that we have observed that should be avoided includes:

• Interrupting the meeting for trivial other tasks - such as watering the plants or gladhanding a passing colleague that you see every day. The vendor took time from their day and maybe even paid for a hotel to see you. Give them your attention in return. Otherwise, they may just urinate in your plants when you aren't looking (only applies to router vendors).
  
• Making statements like, "It's OK. You can interrupt. They're only vendors." And you're only a jerk with a very small ... frontal lobe.
• Only scheduling meetings during lunch and then suggesting the most expensive restaurant around with the expectation that the vendor will pay (also known as "vendor vittles"). You think money grows on trees? No! It grows in the bank accounts of venture capitalists.
  
• Spending the entire meeting talking about your luncheon last week with some minor celebrity or industry figure rather than listening to the vendor. In the words of the piano man, "we were all impressed with your Halston dress and the people that you knew at Elaine's." He didn't mean it as a compliment.
  
• Flip through the entire presentation in the first 2 minutes, interrupt the vendor's presentation, and announce to all present that you've heard it all before and it's all crap. Here's an idea - actually listen to the idea before crushing it mercilessly, you pompous apparachnik.
  

Rule 2: They don't like you for your sense of style

One of the saddest days in the life of a network provider peon is the day that he leaves the comfort of the network provider home and attempts to live in the world of the vendors only to discover that his net worth in their eyes dropped about 139% they day he resigned. Sure, your vendor likes you. He may even share the same interests with you, and he may even respect your capabilities and your knowledge of obscure movie trivia. But your relationship is a business one, not a personal one, and there is no guarantee that he's not just sucking up because your are a valuable source of revenue. We're not suggesting that you stop acting friendly, just that you not abuse the relationship.

In one of the more humbling examples of this error, the C-something-O of a major carrier left his position during the boom years to make his fortune with a small startup company. He firmly believed that he could introduce that small startup company to his contacts in the major vendor community, resulting in a near instantaneous merger with plenty of wealth to pass around (or perhaps keep for himself, one never knows). What he discovered upon joining the small startup was that the vendor community in general despised him and gleefully rejected his every appeal for an audience. Vendors who used to open their doors at the drop of his hat or whim of his fancy (and he had some fancy hats) suddenly had no time. And what was worse, others within the network provider community resented his leaving as well as his newfound compensation package, and orders for equipment dried up at the small startup company. The small startup company eventually died, but that may have just been a coincidence. There was a lot of that going around at the time.

The basic bottom line here is that some vendors can truly be friends with network providers. But if you're not following Rule 1, don't expect a gold watch from them when you retire.

Rule 3: Be on time

Your vendor has set up a meeting with you and you have agreed. Your vendor probably flew or drove a long way, endured a low-budget hotel, and has eaten poorly prepared beef-based products for the last day just to be in your presence. Try to be on time. Perhaps you could even let them in a bit early to set up their laptops and projectors. They appreciate the little things - there are so few given out these days.

Rule 4: Be honest

Perhaps the most important and least implemented rule of vendor relations. Vendors really do want to hear your honest opinions. Tell the truth. This goes two ways - don't overstate requirements and problems and don't understate your opinions of the products.

Rule 4a: Don't overstate

Hitting the first one first (just because it's the closest), some network providers have a tendency to put outrageous requirements in their official communications. And vendors, especially new vendors with little experience in customer requirements interpretation, typically do their best to meet those requirements. Those vendors are then summarily crushed when the actual purchase order goes to an incumbent vendor that didn't even come close to meeting the stated requirements. Did the network provider lie to the poor vendor? We'll never say that in any media that can be mass reproduced. Let's just say that the vendor didn't talk to enough people in the network provider's organization to truly understand what was needed to meet current networking goals. (Define networking however you feel it is appropriate.)

In one particularly egregious example from the mid-1990s, a major telecommunications company which changes its name more often than Cher changes costumes put out the call for a certain type of technology in their newest high-speed fiber optic equipment. Several busy little vendors scurried off to work on the problem, and at least one abandoned their current technology completely to be the first and best to come up with the newly required technology. The excited little vendors even got to place their equipment in the highly coveted network provider laboratory, where network provider gnomes poked and prodded at it occasionally for many months. The gnomes gave helpful feedback on the technology, and all seemed to be going well for the busy vendors until the actual purchase requirements came out. Lo and behold, the requirements did not include the new technology, but instead only included the technology offered by the incumbent vendor - who had not spent one single Canadian nickel on the new technology. Apparently the lab gnomes were overridden in the decision making process by the actual deployment trolls, who were much larger and had real experience with a real network deployment and had no use for the gnomes' fantasies. As you may imagine, this little tale did not end well for the scrappy little vendors who followed the gnomes' advice, some of whom are no longer in the telecomm business. The incumbent vendor did very well, though, so at least someone was happy.

The moral of this story is tell the truth on requirements. Don't just go fishing for the coolest new thing because you read something about it in an obscure magazine. Perhaps your vendor has even thought of that new technology and rejected it for a valid reason. Ask them their opinion. They will be glad to give it back, with interest. Leading them on and then dropping them may be fun in the short term, but long term it reduces their confidence in you and your opinions.

Rule 4b: Don't understate

Just as important as not overstating is avoiding understating. So many very nice people who work in network provider organizations don't want to offend their vendors by pointing out the holes in their product lines. Really, that's all very nice and not terribly useful to the vendor. Vendors tend to come out of meetings with nice people thinking that they have exactly the right solution and that orders for a million units are on the horizon. They get very depressed when the orders don't appear, and depressed vendors are not a pretty sight (visualize lots of soggy power ties and empty martini glasses at airport lounges). Really, vendors want to hear the truth.

If your vendor is proposing a new widget that is brown and you require your equipment to be blue, tell them! If your vendor believes that your network should be based on semiphore and you think otherwise, tell them! Better that they hear it now, before they have completed development of that multi-million dollar brown semiphore system. We're not suggesting that you be rude, but even rude is preferable to polyanna.


Thank you for your attention

These rules aren't all that difficult, and they should be obvious - but they aren't. Print out a copy and paste it to your wall to remind yourself of the inherent humanity of the lowly vendor. Perhaps read "Death of a Salesman" again. Aloud. In front of your staff. Before long, you will have a healthy and happy vendor. And if they don't respond in kind, screw 'em.


Coming next .... How to Treat your Network Providers (A Guide for Vendors)

Recommending a High Fiber Diet

Fiber to the Everywhere

The latest craze in the telecomm world is fiber to the [geographical noun], or FTTX, a nifty brand new technology invented only a few decades ago that promises to make it possible for most human beings to never leave their homes again by deploying fiber optic cable directly to the couch. And, as most anyone not on the Atkins starve-until-your-body-starts-to-eat-itself diet is well aware, adding more fiber to your diet is recommended by most medical doctors whose degrees were not obtained via an email soliciation.

Fiber ubiquity is a lofty goal, especially in America where we're mostly still using copper lines that were actually installed by Alexander Graham Bell himself (he was a very busy man who lived to be nearly 175 years old). In countries like Japan, nearly everyone has or can get fiber all the way to their home. But to be fair Japan had the unfair advantage of having their infrastructure bombed into atoms merely 50-odd years ago. It's hard to compete against that kind of prescient urban planning.

What's in it for Me?

Unlike most of the recent fads in telecom that were pants-wetting exciting to the bearded few and of less interest than a C-SPAN marathon to the average human being, ubiquitous fiber actually impacts normal people in a tangible and marvelous way. Not only will most of us get to experience underground boring machines tearing through our sewer lines on Friday afternoon ("Someone will be out to look at that on Monday between 6am and 7pm, m'am"), but we're also promised nifty new ways to experience the most important and cental feature of American life - television. And we'll get some fast internet stuff, too.

It is no secret to anyone (except those still paying for AT&T long distance and AOL users) that telecomm companies are losing customers. How many people do you know who order a second line for their home anymore? I'll tell you how many you know - you don't know any. They get cell phones or the put in the fancy-schmancy VoIP boxes that they can't stop bragging about despite the fact that every time the kids plug in their X-Box the phone line goes dead. And some people even have the audacity to get rid of their regular phone line altogether! The nerve! Choosing a less expensive and more convenient option over the embedded monopoly! That's ... why that's ... capitalistic!

So, what is a lonely telecomm company to do when it's friends (who pay it money on a regular basis) start leaving it for a more attractive communications company with better hair? Well, the less attractive, "big-boned" companies have looked deep into their customers' souls and discovered that while most people can live without a phone, they will give up food for the children to avoid missing the latest Oprah episode (the one with the girl who has the thing and Oprah makes the audience cry then gives them all gift certificates). Enter fiber ubiquity, which will allow fabulous video services to be provided to every customer in America who lives within a very specific trial area and has purchased a house within the last 2-3 weeks and does not currently have a phone installed. And you'll get some fast internet stuff, too.

The actual way that the television signal will get into your home depends on who brings it to you. There are several options, none of which really matter to you right now. The important thing is that you'll get over 100 channels of high-quality video including pay-per-view, which you will be pressured to purchase in quantity to help defray the cost of repairing the sewer in your front yard.

And Some Fast Internet Stuff, Too

Here in the US, cable companies and telcos nearly pull their arms out of the sockets patting themselves on the back for providing their customers with up to 3million bits per second of internet download speed. Really, they claim, why would you want any more? In Asia, customers are getting speeds up to 30 times faster for about the same price per month. And they are using all of the bandwidth that their providers can give them. Which begs the question, what are they doing with all of that bandwidth?

Quite simply, the main applications are the same as in the US. Namely, downloading porn. Sure, there's some other stuff, too - like streaming video, file transfers, photograph sharing, and strictly legal music downloads. But, as with everything internet related, it eventually comes down to high-quality, full-length videos where the primary color on-screen is flesh and the dialog uses significantly more vowel sounds than consonants. With fiber ubiquity, couch potatos will be able to simultaneously download a movie while watching it on high definition pay-per-view television (except in most of Utah and parts of Washington, DC). And that, loyal readers, is a lofty goal for the USA.


Some Acronyms with your Fiber, Sir?

The advent and popularity of ubiquitous fiber has led to a bumper crop of confusing and contradictory acronyms. To impress your less regular friends with your healthy fiber knowledge, merely memorize and occasionally excrete the following set compiled for your benefit.

• FTTP: Fiber to the Premise. This is an all-encompasing acronym covering just about anything. Due to the newfound popularity of ubiquitous fiber, nearly every company will find a way to squeeze this one into their press releases. See, for example, the newest "FTTP Burger" from McDonald's.


• FTTH: Fiber to the Home. What the industry is convinced that you, the homeowner, cannot live without. This marvelous technology would deliver television, telephone, and internet directly to your home! OK, so maybe you think that you already have that. Trust us, this is better. It's fiber!


• FTTC: Fiber to the Curb: A weasely cop-out by companies that want to run fiber right up near yout home, but not actually into it. Sort of like selling you a house right on the water, but requiring you to walk through a glass-filled abandoned lot to actually get there. It's nice, and you're not going to turn it down, but really - why not go ahead and put in the boardwalk?


• FTTN: Fiber to the Node. SBC made this one up as a part of their public announcements. After hours of analysis by the best brains in the business, most people have concluded that FTTN is the same thing as FTTC, but with the added benefit of creating a new acronym that only applies to the West Coast and parts of Texas.


• FTTB: Fiber to the Business. Providing your employees with sufficient fiber to surf the web up to 25% more often, ensuring America's further dominance of the technology fields.


• FTTX: Fiber to the [geographical location]. A cheap cop-out meaning "all of the above", this one is only used by vendors who are afraid to offend SBC ("FTTN is different, dammit!") and by hack writers with little-seen blogs.

No More Regularity Comments

Yes, gentle readers (note: gentle readers is a copyright of Miss Manners, who will bust a cap in you if you don't mention her when you use it), ubiquitous fiber offers the promise of a beautiful future for telecomm equipment vendors and discredited telecomm executives all over the US and parts of Canada. Unlike the telecom frenzies of the past, calm and rational minds are fully in control of this latest frenzy, ensuring succesful deployment and bounteous riches for everyone involved.

And in the spirit of completely rational exhuberence, you may now refer to me as as the FTTFTTXB (Fiber to the Fiber to the [geographical location] blogger.

Thank you for your valuable and unrecoverable time.